Uncomplicated

Image by Gokturk Ayan

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. ~Dr Seuss

How much do we overthink things? I am a tragic over-thinker by nature. I, well actually my head, likes to dissect things and toss them around a bit and consider all possible scenarios and outcomes. In some situations this is great, I don’t get stuck on one idea and can inspire myself to see things in different ways. In other situations, not so much.

                

Sometimes when questions arise it is best to answer them off the cuff. Difficult decisions are often based on so many ‘what-ifs’ that we can tend to overload the decision down with unrealistic possibilities. I have started to respond to questions and my own choice options with whatever first comes to mind. I realise that not digging too deep but rather answering with what first comes up is in fact my authentic self responding. When we start to dig and delve for the ‘right’ response the what-ifs come to fruition guided by our false self, our safe side reminding us we need to be responsible. Of course we do, our false self will always remind us of that. But if we listen to our intuition, to our instincts, we tend to dig less for conscious reasoning.

Understandably decisions often have responsibilities attached, there are things we must consider, however a lot of smaller decisions can rely purely on what we feel is best. The authentic self will always tell you what you truly want to do, what your heart wants. When we allow our false self to step in, we fill ourselves with self-doubt and fear and we tend to make decisions based on what we feel we are expected to do. I don’t want to live my life based on what is expected of me, I would rather live my life how I want to live it. That won’t always please others or live up to the image they have carved out of and for me, but that’s okay. I can live with that.

I am all for keeping things simple, it is the mantra that I aspire to live by and I often need to remind myself that things do not need to be so complicated. I just need to stop complicating them. 

Be kind to your boss.

** Disclaimer – this is not directly or indirectly about any individual I have worked with, it is about me and my account on behaviour related to being a supervisor/manager. If you have worked with me in the past, this is not intended as a message to you. As for my current staff, if you are reading this please know you are absolute angels. Also, you are already kind enough. 

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Throughout my 23 years of working I have experienced aspects of staff management from both ends of the spectrum – I have been managed and I have been a manager. While I don’t like to write about my ‘job’ on my blog (this is about me, not my job) I would like to share my insight on how it looks from a manager’s perspective. You know, in case you have never been one and are wondering. Also if you have a boss they may appreciate your newfound knowledge and acts of kindness that may follow as a result of your newfound knowledge.

I have supervised staff from when I was 23 and worked in the casino. Something you may not know about me, I was a croupier, and then an inspector (she who supervises croupiers) and I have worked on a cruise ship as a pit manager (she who supervises the inspectors). I loved working in casinos, not only did it open my mind to a whole other world I got to work with some amazing people. It was probably my favourite job to date after writing.

The difference in supervising in a casino environment to an office environment is you supervise hundreds of staff, not the same staff daily. I think I enjoyed this type of management most as you get to work with such a broad array of personalities and I learnt so much about people. I am a very, VERY good judge of character, I credit this to my casino days. Also as a result of having to deal with various personalities (staff and punters) I am also incredibly thick skinned, I am rarely offended.

One thing I didn’t understand as one who is supervised that I do now is, the person supervising has a lot more on their plate than the one being supervised realises. With increased responsibility comes, well, increased responsibility. While a manager needs to undertake their own role be it manage a business and take care of accounts/clients/debtors/creditors/staff/all of the above etc etc etc, or purely manage staff, there are a multitude of responsibilities the supervised aren’t privy to, and won’t ever be. On any given day a manager may have requests from clients, deadlines to meet, month end, payroll, contracts and manuals to research and draft, and then throw in grievances, more requests from clients and staff needs to be met. While a manager gets remunerated accordingly for the extra work, with that comes extra responsibilities. And often a lot of them!

While we spend half of our week at work we can often think it is all about us, about ‘me’. Well I can assure you, it isn’t. Yes chances are, as an employee, you make up a very large proportion of the picture, but there is still a much bigger picture that involves all of the above and then some. On top of that, you may sometimes think your boss doesn’t care, of course they do. They are just like you, blood and bones and EVERYTHING, but they also have deadlines and demands and surprise, surprise, a life.

I have had the extreme pleasure of working with some of the most inspiring and kindest people I have ever met. My ongoing personal relationships with some of the staff I have supervised and managed over the past two decades is testament to how much they have impacted on my life during our working days together. I have grown very fond of people I have previously (and currently) supervised, I respect the work ethic of many much younger than me that I have had the pleasure of working with.

Be kind to your boss. When you down tools and go home to your family at the end of your day, chances are your boss is still thinking about you well into the night. While they may not be physically able to fix your problems instantly, they are trying. They are. And even though they have constraints (and believe me there are always constraints) they are trying to solve that issue for you, in their own way, in their own time. It may not be instant or perfect to you, but they are trying.

Contentment

Some mornings I make my way down to the river near my home and I just sit for five minutes and ponder. Clearing my head of the rush and the craziness of the morning before I set off for work, I love to take in the stillness of the water and just be in that very moment. It is my five minutes where I am not preparing my child for school, or myself for work, nor am I answering phone calls or checking mail or fighting the traffic or listening to music. It is my five minutes to just be.

This morning during my five minutes I noticed an elderly man walking his dog. He approached me on the footpath, stopped to call his dog, turned and smiled warmly at me, then went on his way. A few things went through my head as I was watching him – who is he and where did he come from? Where is he going? Is he happy, what stories could he share with me if we sat down for an hour? What are his regrets, his joys, his loves? I often watch elderly folks and I find myself curiously wondering what they could share about their lifetime.

Life brings with it is so many challenges, once we move past one challenge another fills its place. In between the challenges we have joys and accomplishments, we have moments that will create our favourite and most treasured memories. Our days are made up of millions of moments, some of the smallest ones will be the ones we will remember and cherish for the rest of our days. With all its complexities life brings with it so many miracles that we will one day look back on with joy in our hearts and a smile on our face. Today this gentleman had the most genuinely happy smile, he seemed content. After everything we go through will the moment walking the dog by the river on a cold winter morning where you smile at a stranger and mean it be the moment you look forward to all your life? A moment of contentment, a moment of solitude and peace.

Is he content? I have no idea, but I like to think so. I look at elderly people and often imagine they are content. I don’t imagine I would like to look back in 30 years from now and still be worrying about what someone thought of me way back when, or remember the anxiety I felt over a job or money or something someone said that offended me at the time. So this makes me wonder, why worry about those things now? Why would I waste time feeling anxious about something I cannot change or control? Why would I stay in a situation I am unhappy in? Every choice I make is mine, where I am right now is where I want to be, where I have found myself through choices I myself have made. The frustrating drivers who can’t merge on the freeway every morning won’t be significant in any way in 30 years from now, neither will the friend who treated me badly or the person who cut me off and took my car bay in the shopping centre carpark, so why now? Why do we allow such seemingly insignificant incidents and people affect us in moments when we could instead be enjoying the very things that actually mean something to us, the very things that warm our soul and make our hearts happy? This has been my thought process for some time now, and I love the result. I don’t sweat the small stuff, I am more focused on the good stuff and my days are much more enjoyable for it.

In 30 years from now when I am walking the dog by the river on a cold winter morning and I turn to smile at a young lass who is sitting and enjoying her five minutes, I hope she sees how content I am.

Calm over ego

Image by Anna Inghardt

I had an interesting conversation with my stylist Tanya yesterday. I enjoy our discussions. We often discuss books, what our families are up to, culture (she is a proud Greek who oozes culture), celebrities we think are hot (Ruby Rose comes up a lot, by me) and yesterday, self-development and behaviour. We were discussing how we handle confrontation and conflict, and I shared with her my newly adapted approach to handling aggressive people.

When someone approaches me with anger and clearly they are looking for a reaction, I have adopted this glazed over look. I just stare at them, making serious eye contact but neither smiling nor frowning. Just blank and expressionless. I imagine to the aggressor it’s not really obvious if I am even present or not. Lights are on but blondie has well and truly left the building. I wait until the rant is over, then I sit for about 10 seconds, to which I then respond, “What would you like me to do?” The reaction I have received to this approach so far has been surprise, stutters of “um, er, well…” and sheer confusion. You see in my opinion, as the owner of an aggressive side in the past, someone bursting into your space with rage and a mouthful of anger is simply looking for a punching bag, someone to cop their irate babble. And I am sorry to say that I am not that person. Actually, I am not even that sorry.

On my own little journey of self-development over the years I have learnt something very valuable. No-one can make me feel a certain way. How I react to someone’s words, opinions or actions is totally within my control. No person can make me feel anything. So when someone approaches me with aggression looking for someone to blame their anger on, I make it clear with nothing more than a blank expression on my face that they got it wrong. I am not the reason, be it direct or otherwise, for them feeling angry. They choose to be angry. And if it is over the way I acted, still their choice to be angry. I can apologise for my behaviour if I did wrong, but I will never, ever accept I made someone feel a certain way. You know I can’t make you feel angry, right? Right.

In my 20s I was very fiery natured. I had a hot temper and I could fly off the handle within seconds over the smallest of incident. Over the past few years however I have found myself mellowing, a lot. Recently a very laidback friend told me I am very ‘laidback’. I know I am, but it still surprises me coming from someone who is mellow themselves, as I always remember how feisty I used to be. My  mellowness even surprises me sometimes. 

Tanya asked me if I have always handled confrontation so calmly, and I told her I haven’t. I know from my own experiences that handling it in a calm manner feels best. When you allow yourself to be overcome by emotion as a result of someone else’s aggressiveness you gain nothing. Ego wants us to respond, ego wants us to argue, ego wants us to ‘win’. But you know what, I am more than happy to let the aggressor ‘win’ if it means not responding or engaging. I’ll take inner calm over victory for the ego any day.

Winter beauty

I think winter sends people a little batty. By people, I mean me. I have long loathed winter. The chill in the air, the way it makes skin dry, noses runny, bones achy and folks sickly. I much prefer the sexiness that is summer – bronzed shoulders glistening in the sun, shorts, sandals and legs out. This tights-every-day, scarf-covering-neck, long-sleeves, heater-on bizzo is just plain annoying.

But last year I made a pact with myself that I would no longer whinge about the cold. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it, it will roll on every year, same time, same place, so what is really the point of complaining? I can’t do much about it. Unless of course I move to the tropics, but that’s another story.

I spent three years living in the tropics and have long escaped our cold climate to head to where the beach is. I was born a summer baby, I have loved the heat from as long as I can remember. As a kid I would spend the entire summer running around in my bikini, I loved everything that epitomises summer. Still do. So when winter kicks in and I find myself shivering from the cold and my bones ache no matter how rugged up I am, my neck burdened by permanent pain (from a childhood neck injury) and the only relief I have is codeine and a mountain of blankets over socks, scarf, jammies, hoodie and whatever else I can find that looks warm, my head kicks into glum overdrive. I can’t help it. I try not to let the climate control my mood but by God I get grumpy. 

This morning was a particularly crappy morning, you know the one where you’re running late for school for the fifth day in a row (what IS it with this week), you realise all too late that there is no bread for lunches (who put the bread back into the freezer with crusts only - oh wait, that'd be me), your skirt needs ironing but then you discover it is marked with caked on washing powder so you have to spot clean it, your car has no fuel and it’s SO FREAKING COLD your fingers could very well snap off as you lock the front door. And then you drive around the corner to see this:

The stillest, calmest, most beautiful sight for tired eyes. Maybe I could appreciate winter beauty after all.

Have a fabulous weekend people. You will find me snuggled up on the lounge, heater on, head hidden among layers of scarf. If you're lucky you might find me lurking around the river, but I guarantee you won't find me whinging. Well at least not out loud.

What the world doesn't see

Image by Annak Williams

As sure as the sun rises each morning I make a conscious decision about how my day will roll out. Wake up, open eyes, choose. It is my choice despite circumstances, events or the way people will treat me as the day moves along. My choice.

Some days it is all too hard. Tired, plain exhausted, deflated. Using every ounce of energy to make it positive takes up way too much energy. Every so often I have a day where for once, just once, I would love to hide away from the world and my pain and grief and uncertainty under the refuge of my doona, resurfacing only to gasp for air before submerging again. I don’t. I get up, shower my blues away and cry in the mirror as I apply the smile on my face that the world deserves to see when I walk out my front door. The world doesn’t see my pain, my grief, my uncertainty, I leave that behind in the deep confines of my soul tucked away for another day. The world only sees my smile.

Everyone has their own struggles, I know this all too well. During one of my darkest moments my brother rang me and asked how I was doing, just out of the blue. I don’t often share my sadness, I rather keep it welled up inside revealing itself only to me on those mornings when I least expect it. I mostly hate sharing my self-pity with him, my strong, fearless brother who found himself in a wheelchair, changing life as he knew it for 38 years. How pathetic of me to whine to him about my pain, what would I know about pain? Rationally, I know it is all relative, but I genuinely feel guilty sharing anything but my gratitude for my able-bodied life with him. I do however tell him. He reassures me all will be okay. I believe him.

Some days are just tough, man. Trying to summon the will to see the good in life and to ignore the bad. The bad is always present, but when it festers and manifests in the good parts of the mind it’s hard to see past it. It’s always how we view it, what we choose to focus on. It’s as simple and as painfully complex as that. But if someone was to say that to me as I am clawing around for a glimpse of positivity in my head on those mornings, I wouldn’t see it. On those mornings I want relief, not perspective. I want escape not reality. I want goddamn peace.

Tomorrow is a new day. The sun brings with it a new choice, a new battle. How I choose to live it is still up to me. I will try to ignore the deep-seeded exhaustion from the ever-lingering grief that rears its ugly head and the questions it brings with it. I will try with all my might to exude gratitude for my able-bodied and simple, beautiful life. And as I walk out my front door the world will see nothing but the smile that hides away my pain. Just like it does every other day.

Calm my beating heart

Image by me

Inner calm is a state I have been trying to achieve for some years. I was thinking last week, in the midst of a crazy, busy few months, how much calmer I actually am these days. Situations that would have bothered me in the past really don't cause me stress these days, no matter how chaotic my day may be. I haven’t always been this calm though.

For most of my adult life I have been a stress head. Having an overactive imagination and being a deep thinker is a recipe for disaster when it comes to maintaining a calm state of mind. I could work up a mere thought into an imaginary dilemma of disastrous proportions, only to realise days later it was all in my head. It’s both amazing and ridiculous how the mind can detour and take us places beyond reality.

Developing a calm state of mind has been years in the process for me. Therapy, meditation, deep breathing and most importantly, learning to avoid drama and building on inner strength. It is amazing what crap we can avoid when we remove ego and pride from our thought process by approaching difficult and emotion driven situations with a level of detachment. By detachment I don’t mean not caring for others or others’ situations, but not getting emotionally involved and not taking on others’ emotions is key when it comes to maintaining inner calm. By not allowing outside influences affect our emotions and reactions we are less inclined to worry about circumstances we don’t need to be concerned about. Obviously this is not as simple when it comes to our loved ones as it is natural to be affected by situations involving our family, however I've found by approaching problems of those I am not so close to with a level of 'sympathetic detachment', my days are much less drama-filled. And calmer.

I have discovered that with inner calm comes inner balance. By removing emotion from situations and approaching them with reason and sensible awareness, we have the ability to approach such situations with a clear head and a sense of peace and tranquility. I have no interest in knowing why others make choices or what drives them to act in a negative manner. I have found that by detaching from negative scenarios I don’t take on the negativity. Feels good. Feels liberating. I can walk away smiling with calm in my heart and soul. Sure beats the days of painting a picture in my head that would create unnecessary drama in my day. And in our somewhat troubled and sometimes chaotic world my soul loves the peace that I create for it.

How to be alone

By Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.


There's also the gym. If you're shy you can hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in. 



And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places. 



And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath, seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principals. 



The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees that only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they - like you - will be alone.


Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone. 



When you are comfortable with eat, lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.


Go to the movies, where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community. 
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.


Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there’re always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head, and by the time you translate your thoughts some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept. 



Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cos if you're happy in your head then solitude is blessed and alone is okay.


It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach. 



And it doesn't mean you aren't connected, that community’s not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. Take silence and respect it. If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. If your family doesn't get you, or a religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it. 



You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.

If your heart is bleeding make the best of it.

There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Tightrope

Image by Silvia Sani

I have always been a deep thinker. It is my both my downfall and my strong point. In earlier days I would overthink simple scenarios and create havoc in my head. As I have grown older (and wiser) I have learned to let go of the insignificant drama, so now my deep thinking trait works in my favour. I am one of those people that needs to dissect situations in my head to fully understand them with logic and less emotion. They start off emotionally charged then over the dissection process I wind up seeing situations with logic and sensible awareness. I hate the emotional level at the onset but I always love the outcome. Clear head.

I have never been one to wallow. If something isn’t working, I change it. I have some huge changes ahead of me, I know they’re coming as I am the one putting them in place. I am afraid, I am excited, I am cautious but eager. They are changes that will take me totally out of my comfort zone, and every so often when I stop to consider it I feel my stomach flip. The fear is what drives me, the not knowing and the idea that I will be balancing the tightrope we call life without a harness or a net to catch me. It’s okay, I want to take that risk. I am ready. And I know these choices will not suit others, but that’s okay too, they are not anyone else’s choices to make. This is after all my life.

I have always considered myself a doer. I procrastinate and I dissect a lot in my head, all the time. I think way too much, I have to admit. But one thing I don’t do is plod. If shit isn’t happening, I change it. It is as complex and as simple as that. Too often I hear people whining about their situations, yet see them take no action. That pisses me off. Don’t like your life, do something about it. I know my choices won’t please everyone, heck they might not please a single soul, but I can live with that. As long as my child is warm at night and loved like no other I am happy. I will forfeit riches and comfort in the form of the old treadmill we climb upon each morning when we head out to fulfill our duties every day for true, dead set happiness. In a heartbeat. The day I stop following my heart and setting out to wake up with true passion in my soul will be the day I die inside. I don’t want to die inside. I am a doer. I have too much passion and drive to die inside.

All that from thinking.

Tolerance. Kindness. Acceptance.

Some time ago a friend and I were talking about beaches in Perth. My friend mentioned that she doesn’t fancy my favourite beach as she feels there is pressure to look fabulous on said beach. She was under the impression that beach goers were constantly ogling others and therefore a beach trip for her turned into stressful, as she felt she needed to have her hair looking primped and she needed to be dressed in such a way that she would fit in with the ‘cool crowd’. Last week I had another conversation with another friend about the pressure to look good on the beach in a bathing suit. We got to talking about ‘mature’ women in bikinis and whether it is acceptable to still wear a bikini when the body no longer resembles that of a 20-something.

I got to thinking about our conversation. Who determines what is acceptable and what is appropriate in our society when it comes to appearance? I don’t look into my closet in the morning wondering what to wear to please the masses, I put on what pleases me. I wear clothes that make me feel good. What others think is not my business, it is theirs. And so back to the point about mature women wearing bathers or a bikini, shouldn’t they do it for themselves and not be concerned about complete strangers at the beach who may or may not care what others are wearing? I certainly don’t spend my time on the beach looking at others and judging what they are wearing, I barely even notice others (yes I live in a bubble)! I am way too busy enjoying quality time with my family to be concerned about whether another woman is fit enough to wear a bikini. In fact on the contrary, if someone does stand out to me on the beach it is usually someone who looks happy and confident, irrespective of their age or body shape.

There seems to be an ongoing debate in the media about acceptance of our body shapes. I don’t buy into it. I don’t really care. I think if the individual is comfortable, happy and healthy (or not if that is their choice) then great. To have these discussions and to read such articles only enters into the debate further, and it isn’t something I really wish to engage in. There are a lot of gaudy and what society has taken upon itself to deem ‘inappropriate’ outfits walking around, does that affect me? Not in the slightest.

The need to judge others on their appearance is something that I witnessed at school, I am slightly baffled as to why, as a mature thinking adult, it still goes on. I was laughed at for shaving the side of my head in high school (Rihanna is applauded for it now, no? Who knew I was a 14 year old trendsetter decades ahead of my time!) and I remember the anxiety and embarrassment I felt. I don't want to instill that kind of embarrassment on others, just because they choose to look and dress differently to what I do. Good on them, I don't want anyone to look and dress like me!

When did our society become so intolerant? Is it our business to judge or be concerned with what others are wearing? I think not. I’d rather put that energy into something a little more constructive like this for instance. Or this.

But that’s just me.

Sorry for not being stronger

I am sorry for not hugging you more. Sorry for not seeing the signs of your despair sooner. Sorry for not punching anyone that ever hurt you and for not protecting you from yourself. Sorry for not stopping you, I know I could have stopped you. Sorry for not putting my life on hold to be there more for you. Sorry if you didn’t feel loved, I loved you, I truly did. I still do. Sorry that you had to leave, I wish you didn’t. Sorry I didn’t drive straight over after we put the phone down. Sorry I believed you when you said you were okay. Sorry I was lazy and went to bed instead of jumping in my car to see you. Sorry for not saving you.

Sorry that I still miss you and can’t quite let you go. Sorry for the days I screamed at you for leaving and blamed you for my sadness. Sorry for the times I stayed awake at night, afraid of the dark and stillness of the night; it wasn't your fault, you didn't know how much it would hurt me. I believe you didn't, or you would not have left. I am sorry I don’t visit you, it’s just too hard, the memory is too raw. Sorry that you don’t get to see your kids, you’d be so, SO proud. Sorry I get to hug them and smile at their beautiful faces and think of you every single moment they are in front of me. I am so very sorry that you don't.

Sorry my memory of you never fades and I still clutch onto the sound of your voice, your laugh, that beautiful, dry sense of humour. Sorry that sometimes I see a girl in the street that looks like you and it tears me apart. I followed a girl once thinking it could have been you. Sorry for hoping I imagined you leaving and that you were secretly still among us. Sorry for dreaming you were.

Sorry I wasn’t stronger and didn't hold your hand tighter, hugged you tighter, cried with you harder. I am sorry I miss you, I wish I didn’t have to miss you. I am sorry you’re gone. 

I am sorry I am not stronger.

Be happy.

I am a big believer that we choose to be happy. Happiness doesn’t happen to us, it is a choice. We choose how we respond to life’s events and circumstances, so just like we choose to be angry, we choose to be happy. Happiness is not handed to us and it isn’t something we find, it is the way we choose to live. I truly believe you can be as happy as you choose to be.

I am happy by nature, I always have been. I can recall days where I have tried to make an active choice to be grumpy and I don’t last five minutes. Grumpy is not becoming, happy is. I sat down today and thought of ways I set out to actively be happy, I thought I would share them with you.

Be positive. Having a negative mindset only breeds negativity. When you look at situations with a negative outlook you will only see the negative aspects. Try looking at all situations positively and you will feel positive about them. Of course some situations just aren’t positive, but we still have the choice to try to view them positively.

Surround yourself with like-minded people. I struggle being around negative people, I really do. I don’t mind people venting (heck it wouldn’t be healthy if we didn’t all vent now and again) but folks that view the world with a negative outlook just bum me out. I choose to be around positive peeps, they inspire me so much more.

Be kind. Whenever I think of times I haven’t been my kindest I don’t look back at them with joy. Kindness feels so much better than being unkind. Think about how the meanie in kids’ movies is always a grumpy, nasty character, the happy character is always painted as the kind one. Makes sense.

Train your mind. Just as I choose to wake up and enjoy mornings (and I am a born night owl) I also choose to love life. I don’t always love every aspect of life but I choose to be accepting and tolerant of things I cannot change. Happiness is a choice just as is anger and sadness. Choose to feel happy and you will eventually convince yourself that you are actually happy. I have had days where I have felt like being unhappy for valid reasons, and that’s okay. But I realise being unhappy takes a lot more energy than being happy. And doesn’t feel half as good!

Only share the good. Whenever I find myself submerged in gossip or negative talk about others I walk away feeling ‘blegh’. If however I spend time discussing awesome qualities or events I feel great. Once I started to choose to avoid gossip where possible (actually is it always possible) I noticed I started to talk negatively less. Make a conscious effort to speak nicely about others, you will soon instill a natural filter and find talking in a positive manner comes naturally.

Strive for happiness.  Rather than seeking happiness in material things, a location or relationships, cultivate a happy state of mind. Happiness isn’t something that happens, it is something we are individually responsible for. I am happy, why? Because I choose to be. And it is that easy. Ask yourself what you can do right now to be happier. And then work on that a little every day.

Reflect. I love to reflect on how far I have come in all areas of my life. In my early 20s I didn’t strive to get married and have kids. I love to reflect now on how much my life has changed and how grateful I am for my family. Reflecting on small positive things every day eventually teaches you to appreciate the small things. Heck I find joy in a bunch of flowers on my dining room table! Yes, I am grateful for flora.

Indulge in your happy place. The beach is my happy place. I can’t believe not everyone loves the beach, it is just so lovable! It is in many ways the essence of who I am. I am my most happiest on a sunny, warm afternoon, on the beach with my boys. When I was younger I would dream about escaping the grind and spending my days on the beach, but I never did it. Now I do. I spend every day I possibly can in summer lazing on the beach, it nourishes my soul. And then in winter I daydream about it to get me through the cold. In dark moments I have imagined myself sitting on the beach, picturing the ocean and imagining the sound of the waves and the smell of the salty air. Even the thought of the beach helps to improve my state of mind.

Do more of what brings you joy. In my pursuit of a fulfilled existence I have discovered joy can be found in the smallest of moments. Afternoon tea by myself with my favourite vintage coffee set. Sunday afternoon on the lounge surrounded my inspirational reading material. Sitting on the loungeroom floor with my son and just chatting. A day at the beach. I don’t waste time thinking about what I could be doing, I just do it. I am not talking about jumping on a plane and hiring a yacht in Lake Como (although, a lifetime spent in a bikini on a boat sure would be nice) I am talking about something right in front of you, right this very moment.

Be healthy. I feel my best when I feel healthy. A good sleep with an early bedtime and healthy, nutritious meals. Healthy body, healthy soul.

Be grateful. Sure I would love to not work and spend more time at home, but the fact of the matter is at this stage it is not possible. I am however grateful for my weekends, and I spend them wisely. I am also grateful for the opportunities working has brought me, I know I wouldn’t have had the same opportunities if I wasn’t working. Our lives aren’t always ideal and won’t always go to plan, but appreciating and being grateful for what we have can sure help create a happy mindset.

Act how you want to feel. Act grumpy, guess what, you will feel grumpy. Act happy, feel happy. Sounds easy doesn’t it? It is.

"If you want to be happy, be." ~ Leo Tolstoy

Being a grown up sucks

I am a walking contradiction. Not just five minutes ago I wrote a post about how awesome it is to grow up. RETRACT RETRACT. Being a grown up sucks.

Grappling with the working mum choice I made 10 years ago. Hating that I walk into a messy house after a long day at work. Hate housework. Loathing the ever-growing pile of washing. Dinner again, didn’t I just cook last night? For the most part I am a positive soul, I am the eternal optimist. But sometimes, just sometimes, I am not. 

After feeling somewhat despondent about my son having grown another year and in a new year at school, I have really found it hard to focus this week. I want to stay home. I can’t afford to stay home. I like my job but I am tired. I am tired of working fulltime after 23 years straight (ok I did have 3 months off to travel in my 20s and a couple of months post-birth, let’s just call it 22.5 years). Feeling motivated about much has been a struggle this week. Being a grown up sucks.

Then this morning, as much as I do not like wishing time away (I see a pattern here, contradiction anyone?), I woke up excited that it was Friday. And soon after I discovered I have a cold. I don’t do colds. I don’t do whingy whiney. The looming cold and its unwelcome symptoms are my excuse for my hating on being a grown up and wanting to hide under the covers this week.

So tonight I have given myself permission to once again enjoy my messy house. I am eating pizza on the lounge (NOT THE NATUZZI?!) and tapping away on my Mac with greasy fingers. I am social media-ing it ALL NIGHT LONG baby and maybe, just maybe, I will eat a family block of chocolate with my late night Nespresso. Or two.

Being a grown up sucks. But being allowed to break all my own rules might just be worth it.

52 Weeks to Simplify Your Life - Week Two

I really love week two of Home Life Simplified’s SYL12 challenge - define your values. I had just finished writing about why I love growing up and how much I love the changes that come about with age. This week’s challenge enabled me to get down deep and identify my personal values, and I really enjoyed it.

I talk a lot about my values. I am vocal about them firstly as I stand by them and have no problem sharing them with those around me. Secondly I talk and think about them to keep them cemented. I base my day-to-day life on my values and make decisions based on my values. I refer to my values when I am faced with conflict and they have in essence given me personal power to be confident and stand by my truth. This week's challenge was to narrow down your personal values to the five that mean the most.

One: Family. This is a no-brainer for me and I didn’t even have to think about it. Every decision, big or small, is made with my family in mind. My day starts and ends with my family. My life is my family.

My family went through a very difficult time several years ago and it gave me a deeper appreciation for my loved ones. I don’t ever take them for granted and I relish in every moment shared. My family defines me, it is what makes me truly happy.

Two: Positivity. I am an optimistic person by nature, I genuinely see the good in all things. If something isn’t working out how I want I endeavor to either change it or see the good in it. I believe there is good in everyone, I look for that in people. I don’t see the benefit in self-pity and would rather see the brighter side in situations. This isn’t always easy especially when surrounded with negative vibes, but I have become very good at switching off and not letting negative energy zap my positive energy.

Three: Self-development. I believe before we start dreaming about changing the world we need to look inwards. I strive to be my personal best, and that can only be achieved by me working on ‘me’. The way we handle life and what it throws at us depends solely on our own responsibility and self-awareness. If I can use my best characteristics to make my life that little bit easier then I think I am doing my best. The challenge and struggle is all in my own head, so I work on that. I am always striving to be a better person, not just for those around me but for myself. I will benefit more than anyone else by improving my thoughts, my actions, my reactions and my ability to handle life’s challenges. I want calm, I strive for calm.

Four: Kindness. I have to admit I haven’t always been kind. I have had moments of nastiness towards others, and quite simply it didn’t feel very good. I don’t enjoy nastiness – being on the receiving or giving end of it. I have made a pact with myself to always try to be kind to others. I work on it every day and see it as a lifelong value.

Five: Acceptance. I used to find myself judging in my own head. I would feed inner dialogue on others’ choices or what I deemed to be less favourable to my own choices. I ceased doing that. I now try to accept others and their choices. And by accept I don’t mean just not discussing it, but fully accepting it and not entering into my opinions in my own head. Unless something directly affects me, I have given up worrying about others’ choices. I accept others have their own reasons and their own ways, that’s ok. Just as I would stand up for my own choices, I have no right to judge others. Acceptance feels so much more positive and less worrying, removing those judgemental thoughts opens up space for more creative and positive thinking. Too easy.

If you are keen on simplifying your life take a look at Deb’s 52 week challenge. Or even if you are not keen on joining in just check out what some others have written. Life becomes so much more enjoyable in my opinion, when we can focus on the positive development side. I love it. I for one am a big advocate of self-awareness and growth, so this challenge is right up my alley.

Why being a grown-up rocks!

When I was in my early 20s I thought anyone over 30 was ‘old’. Not that I thought that was bad, I just thought 30 was old. I remember speaking to 30-somethings thinking they were so mature, and old. Then when I hit 26 I had my petrified-to-get-old moment, and briefly pined for the youth of my early 20s. Then I hit 30, got married, had a baby and realised life had in fact only just truly started.

♥ I love that I can look back and laugh at my younger self, thinking I knew it all. That arrogance I had when I was in my 20s must have annoyed more mature folks. What did I know? Not a lot.

♥ I like that I am now less selfish. As a teenager and 20-something it was all about me. My focus barely extended outside of me and what I needed or what I wanted. I look back and cringe at the way I put myself before everyone else. Now I am glad my heart genuinely puts others first. And I am glad that I naturally want to help others and am much more considerate of others’ feelings and needs.

♥ I don’t miss the disco-‘til-dawn days. God I don’t miss them! How did I ever enjoy rolling out of clubs at dawn, smelling of cigarette smoke, to then spend half the day in bed? Some of my favourite memories are of when I travelled in my mid 20s, staying out all night and sleeping all day without a care in the world. But how did I do it back home with a job to go to, spending my days off sleeping to feel human again? Although they were fun at the time (some of my favourite laughs are from those days) I sure don’t miss that.

♥ I dress much more appropriately…and comfortably. Sure I wear stilettos but how on earth did I wear strappy shoes with toes exposed and summer clothes in winter in the middle of the night? Slave to fashion all right. Ridiculous.

♥ I love that I am more comfortable in my own skin. Having toned pins and thinking I was ‘fat’ in my 20s was not very comforting. The lack of self-esteem and worrying about how I looked can’t have been fun, not giving a toss is!

♥ I love knowing myself better. I can think for myself and make choices based on my own past experiences and thoughts. When I was younger I was more easily influenced by others and could easily sway my own opinion by the opinions of others. I had less sense of self and didn’t understand or appreciate consequence as well as I do now. I love the stability that comes with age.

♥ I have developed tastes and interests that are my own and are less influenced by others. I enjoy things because I enjoy them, not because I see others enjoying them. I have also developed interests that I have acquired from my family, in particular my mother. Things I didn’t have an interest in as a 20-something are now the very things that bring me joy – gardening, Finnish design, baking. I am also curious about so many more things – art, crafts, cooking, good food, people, music other than hip hop!

♥ I love being a grown-up. I loved the carefree disco days with girlfriends, the travel, and the lack of financial responsibilities of mortgage and grown-up commitments, however those days were fleeting. Now I feel like I am really living – up until my 30s I was kind of floating along, not really sure where I was meant to be or where I was going. I love the confidence and drive that comes with being a ‘grown-up’.

♥ I care a bit more about the world. I don’t recall having much of a grasp on anything outside of my bedroom as a younger person. Closet, fridge, bed. Nightclubs, work, friends. Now my interests range so much further than the little circle I lived in as a younger person. My concerns run wider than how much money I have or what I will wear on Saturday night, and I love that.

♥ I love the confidence to speak my mind that has come with age. When I was younger I often bit my tongue, mostly as I wasn’t keen on conflict but also I didn’t have the skills I have now to speak my mind without offending. I like that although I have put my foot in my mouth many times in the past, I now have the knowledge and experience in knowing how to speak to people honestly without offending. I also don’t take offence when people are honest with me.

♥ I love that I can be me, daggy, old me. I no longer feel the need to be ‘cool’. I can drive in silence and don’t need loud music to entertain me. I enjoy my own company. I don’t get bored. I am not afraid to get old, in fact I look forward to it.

♥ And mostly I love that I can now enjoy the small moments. As a 20-something I had no idea what small moments were, let alone know how to really enjoy them. I love that I now get that small moments are what make life truly amazing. All the disco-‘til-dawn days (and there were a few) can never, ever compare to that.