Friday, 24 February 2012

Sorry for not being stronger



I am sorry for not hugging you more. Sorry for not seeing the signs of your despair sooner. Sorry for not punching anyone that ever hurt you and for not protecting you from yourself. Sorry for not stopping you, I know I could have stopped you. Sorry for not putting my life on hold to be there more for you. Sorry if you didn’t feel loved, I loved you, I truly did. I still do. Sorry that you had to leave, I wish you didn’t. Sorry I didn’t drive straight over after we put the phone down. Sorry I believed you when you said you were okay. Sorry I was lazy and went to bed instead of jumping in my car to see you. Sorry for not saving you.

Sorry that I still miss you and can’t quite let you go. Sorry for the days I screamed at you for leaving and blamed you for my sadness. Sorry for the times I stayed awake at night, afraid of the dark and stillness of the night; it wasn't your fault, you didn't know how much it would hurt me. I believe you didn't, or you would not have left. I am sorry I don’t visit you, it’s just too hard, the memory is too raw. Sorry that you don’t get to see your kids, you’d be so, SO proud. Sorry I get to hug them and smile at their beautiful faces and think of you every single moment they are in front of me. I am so very sorry that you don't.

Sorry my memory of you never fades and I still clutch onto the sound of your voice, your laugh, that beautiful, dry sense of humour. Sorry that sometimes I see a girl in the street that looks like you and it tears me apart. I followed a girl once thinking it could have been you. Sorry for hoping I imagined you leaving and that you were secretly still among us. Sorry for dreaming you were.

Sorry I wasn’t stronger and didn't hold your hand tighter, hugged you tighter, cried with you harder. I am sorry I miss you, I wish I didn’t have to miss you. I am sorry you’re gone. 

I am sorry I am not stronger.





Edenland's Fresh Horses Brigade

39 comments:

  1. Peggy Peggy.

    Just then that minute, I understand that you and I are both experts in a certain wicked Aftermath. That leaves you questioning, wondering, aching.

    One day in late November, many moons ago, we moved from a million dollar mansion into a shitbox rental. I was 16. My stepdad bought all of this blue wallpaper, with flowers on it. And wallpapered my bedroom. Took him all day. When I got home after spending the day with my cousin, he just looked at me and said, "I thought you were going to help me."

    The following week, after he took his own life in a lonely spot ... I knew if I'd only helped him wallpaper my bedroom, things would have been different.

    Lived in that house for a whole year after that. Wanted to tear that fucking wallpaper down every day.

    I'm sorry I didn't help him.

    But I did not know, what was to come.

    XXXXXX

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    1. Oh Eden. What a terrible burden to bear as a 16 year old. You and I both know even if you helped things would most likely have not ended any differently. I'm sorry you had to feel that way as a young girl.

      Thank you for the insight. xo

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  2. I should not have read this Peggy- waaaaayyyy too close to home for me.Buts as always, beautiful writing...
    I'm sitting here bawling me eyes out because I have these thoughts all the time about my sister. She died almost 3 years ago at age 27 from a massive heart attck. From the Monday night when I got the call at 8pm to say she was in intesive care to the Wednesday night we switched off her life support words like yours kept coming into my head,going over all our years together & being sorry for not being the type of sister she needed. I kept willing her to breathe on her own, to come back to us so I could make up for all the bad, shitty stuff I had ever done or said to her. I wished I could go back in time & make all her wrongs right. I'm sorry for myself that those 3 days play in my head over & over & over again. Even now 3 years later I'm sorry tha I can feel her hand in mine go from warm to cold as I sat there & watched her take her last breathe & it breaks me every time because I wish so hard that I never had to do that.
    I'm sorry she wont see her boys grow up.I'm sorry that I too wasn't strong enough to be the person she, & her boys, needed me to be.I'm sorry for so many things but most of all I'm sorry she isn't here so I could throw my arms around her & tell her all the things I'm sorry for.....

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    1. Oh Reannon, that is so terribly sad. Terribly sad. I know this won't change your thoughts but I don't doubt you were a beautiful sister and what you did was more than enough. I am certain you were the sister she needed and more. I understand your pain at seeing her boys without their mother, nothing reduces that. But I hope you take comfort in knowing your sister would be absolutely proud of your concern and love for her boys.

      And I am certain even without you telling her all of this, she knows. You can still tell her you know. Write her a letter and read it out to her, she is listening.

      Big huge hugs to you Reannon. Thank you for reaching out. xo

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  3. I read this in tears, Peggy. It was beautifully written but so so sad. x

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  4. Oh Peggy.

    Tear down the wallpaper.

    x

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    1. You're right Bron. The wallpaper's coming down. xo

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  5. Thank you for sharing - love, hugs and positive energy !
    Me

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    1. Thank you lovely. Right back at ya!

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  6. Beautifully written. So sad & a little close to home too.
    My sister passed away 15 months ago. She was 42 had had substance abuse problems her whole life and did some pretty shitty things. About 6 years ago I told her I hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mum would fill me in on her life and I made my Mum feel like shit because I was a bitch. Now she's gone, I was a bitch then too. My Mum asked me to do the eulogy because she couldn't. I did it, even as I wrote it I hated her, I wished she had gone years ago to save my Mum all the heartache, as I got to the funeral I hated her, as I stood up at the podium I hated her but when I started speaking about her all the memories of our childhood came flooding back and hit me like a tidal wave. I choked, I spluttered, I freaked right out. I was sorry, so fucking sorry I could hardly breathe. Now I don't hate her, I hate myself. What a selfish arse I have been, while I'm high and mightily judging her for making my Mum's life hell I had been making it worse by my attitude. Now she's gone and all I am is sorry.
    It's hard to say & it's Edenland's courage and your story that make it easier.
    thank you

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    1. Oh Rebel, I feel for you. The regret is hard to swallow but I truly think you were hurt and hated seeing your Mum hurt. I don't see that as judging your sister's choices, rather you were being protective over your Mum's feelings. It can't of been easy for your Mum to see your sister go through such a difficult time, I am sure your Mum takes comfort in knowing you cared for her so deeply that you found it hard to deal with your sister's problem.

      It's okay to be sorry, it's actually human. The way I see it your sister wasn't the same sister you shared those childhood memories with anyway, I am sure you didn't hate her or her memory of back then. We do some shitty things to our loved ones in difficult times, but at the crux of it all you loved her to bits despite what you said or how you acted, and the sister of your childhood would have known that.

      I feel for you. I have dealt with addiction in my family as a child, it does induce hate and shame and fear and hurt. We do the best we can with what we're dealt with. You protected your Mum, you should be very proud of that.

      Big hugs to you. xo

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  7. Oh Peggy. I am sorry too.

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  8. Biggest hugs Peggy - in tears here too.

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    1. Thank you Deb. As hard as it was typing those feelings it is quite cathartic. And your hugs help. xo

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  9. Oh Peggy...tears in my eyes...such a powerful piece...I imagine seeing those children is like a knife to the heart each time...please keep hugging and kissing them for their Mumma...they will be the healing force in years to come... Big hugs for you too that was so brave of you to write xx

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    1. Thank you Jen. The kids have been my healing force for years. I love them like my own, and although it used to rip my heart out I do take comfort in knowing their mum would be super proud of them. They are a product of her energy and humour and kindness, I see her in them all the time. Mostly I feel terribly sad they won't remember her like I do, as they were too young.

      Thanks Jen. xo

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  10. Peggy you made me cry and all my own memories came flooding back:-) x
    Extremely powerful ,big hugs to you my friend ~ I am also going through similar in a way xxxx

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    1. It's such a difficult situation to understand isn't it, I don't think I ever will quite understand it. The pain and the darkness.

      Big hugs to you too, I truly hope you find peace and comfort past the memories. xo

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  11. Peggy... and Eden... my heart is breaking. You can't imagine how close to home this is for me. My husband lost a good friend a few weeks ago because he made that choice, and last night my husband was so close to making the same choice. I take each day, each second, minute, moment, breath, heartbeat and treasure it and do all that I can to try to keep him from taking that step into the darkness. But no matter what happens, I know that right now all of his feelings are because he has reached a point where he does not love himself, and it is making it so hard for him to comprehend my love for him. All I can do is all I can do, and to remember that whatever HIS choice is in the end... I love him unconditionally and pray that he would love himself the same way... and that is all I can do. I can lock him up, take away the key, to try to save him... but if he doesn't love himself, I would be doing more harm than good. All I can do now is love him, encourage him, be there for him, tell him how much I appreciate him, need him, believe in him... until he believes it himself.

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    1. You are so right, spot on. I guess I do truly believe I couldn't have done much more, the choice was not mine to make. Hindsight is such a great thing, but at the time we do what we can with what we have and know. I only wish I could have done more.

      I can't imagine the helplessness you're feeling right now Cindi, I wish you and your husband light and love, and I say a silent prayer that he will get through this difficult time. He is very lucky to have your support and know that even though he may not voice it, you being there through the difficult days is helping him even if in small ways each day.

      Stay strong, I hope life is kinder to your husband and he gets through this difficult time.

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    2. Thank you so much, Peggy... right now prayers and miracles are all we really need...

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  12. Wow, I have no words that are a match for your post, it must have been hard to write, thank you for sharing x

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    1. Thank you for reading and leaving me a note Sharron. xo

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  13. This was so moving - thank you for sharing. that would have taken so much courage to share

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    1. Thank you Lyndal. It was strange how the words just came pounding out once I started. Very cathartic, although sad. As I re-read it almost hurts less, so it must be healing in some way. :)

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  14. Wow Peggy. It must be so hard living with such deep regret. I'm hearing your pain. You've expressed it so beautifully. I'm truly hearing you. And wish I could give you a big hug. Lots of love. xx

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    1. Thank you Deb, I feel the cyber hugs from here!

      It is hard to give up, the regret. Sometimes when I think about it I know the regret is not rational, but in my heart it still hurts. There will always be 'what ifs'. Stupid what ifs!

      Thank you for your kind words Deb. xo

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  15. I don't have the words, so I'll just say your writing is beautiful x

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    1. Thank you Kel, you're too kind. xo

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    1. Right back at ya Shar! xxxxxxxxxx

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  17. I live with the same regrets, Peggy.

    Fifteen years later, I still play the 'what if' game.

    I hope your words help you to heal. Much love x

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    1. It's a silly game to subject our souls to isn't it Jayne? I know that rationally, but sometimes it still hurts to think about the 'what ifs'.

      I hope you find comfort too, thank you for your kind words. xo

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  18. Tears are falling, I am so sad for your pain.
    So beautifully written, so emotive. *hugs*

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    1. Thank you Eccentricess. I'll take those hugs, they truly do help me heal. :)

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  19. Peggy you've managed to articulate exactly how I'm feeling...thank you for that. My brother committed suicide 23 days ago and he's all I can think about. There are so many things I wish I could say and I'm sorry tops the list.

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    1. Oh Lynne, 23 days? Oh gosh. I'm sorry for your loss and for your pain. I know it won't make it any less painful for you, but when you're ready, write your brother a letter. If anything it will relieve the words from your mind, even if momentarily. It's such a tricky and tough thing to deal with, there really is little comfort some days. I can say however although I think about it often, the pain does 'lift' a little over time.

      Make sure you take care of yourself Lynne. xo

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