Saturday, 9 June 2012

Who Am I?

Image by Theo Gosselin

Today Eden posed the question “Who are you?” as part of her Fresh Horses Brigade. I like horses. My dad promised me a horse as a kid. I didn’t get one. And I have absolutely no hang ups about that. That’s probably one quality I like about myself, I forgive easily. I’m too busy living to hold grudges. Why carry all that unnecessary baggage around in my head over something I cannot change? I probably would have lost interest in the horse anyway.

I ask myself this “who am I” question every day. Last week sitting curled up on the couch watching TV and eating greasy takeaway I wondered who the hell I was. I don’t curl up on the couch, I don't watch TV, I don’t eat greasy takeaway. But apparently I do. And then I remembered what my best friend told me recently, about me.

I don’t do things by halves. I am either all in or running off without so much as a ‘catch ya’. This, I understand, makes me appear complex to others who don't know me so well. I find it hard to keep an active social circle going as I am knee deep into my few close friendships that I find it hard to devote my heart and soul fully to others. So I don’t. I just don’t do things by halves. So while I am talking to you, I am talking to you. I won’t say yes to spending time with someone unless I really want to. I won’t attend a function to be seen, or to make my Facebook check-ins look awesome. I have to really want to go, or I don’t. I’m just not a half-assed kinda gal.

This gun-ho or go-home attitude is often my enemy. I loathe alcohol and what it does to people so don’t touch it for months. Next thing I am wondering if one small vodka at breakfast time is okay. I avoid eating meat for six months, now I can’t get enough of it. I can’t stand the thought of being away from home outside of work hours so hibernate for six months, next thing my feet are itchy and all I want to do is go out, go out, go out. I hate TV, then I watch TV. I feel like a walking contradiction at times, I want to do things in a balanced manner, I do. But I just don’t.

I work my ass off and hate it. I don’t want to work anymore. I want to retire and spend my afternoons in Miller Fashion Club white ¾ cut-offs and trim rose bushes in the afternoon sun with a full face of make up and primped hair. I want to feel mature, I don’t want to grow up. I’m an escape artist, I run at the first sign of trouble. I hate drama, I avoid it. If you bring drama into my life I will also avoid you. I am drawn to creative creatures and people who get things done. I myself am a doer, ties in nicely with the whole ‘not half-assed’ thing.

It has taken me many years to see myself as I am. Sometimes I am still unsure. Recently a stranger told me she thought I was very grounded after reading my blog. I smiled to myself, I really wanted to believe her.

I remember in my mid 30s I felt really quite disconnected from others my age, I felt as though I was slightly behind the eight ball in terms of maturity, wanting to be more responsible and sensible. Now at 41 I want to be less responsible and maybe even slightly reckless. I guess that’s where the vodka for breakfast idea jumps in.





Edenland's Fresh Horses Brigade

18 comments:

  1. I am all these things, but more, no less. To be in a complete state of confusion with who I am and who others perceive me to be is lonely. New to your blog, will continue to read .t xo

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    1. Lonely is a good way to describe the feeling Tracy, I totally get that.

      Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving me a note. :) xo

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  2. Your last paragraph particularly spoke to me. I'm in my mid 30's now, and swing between feeling utterly overwhelmed by my life and wondering why I'm so beholden to everything, and feeling like everyone else is all grown up and I'm just playing pretend to keep up.

    New here too via Eden's Horses. I'll be back. :)

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    1. "Playing pretend" is so apt Kate, I used to often feel like I was a pretend grown up (still do sometimes).

      Thanks so much for dropping in, I am now perusing your blog too. I love to meet new bloggers! :)

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  3. I say, if you're not an alcoholic ... a cheeky vodka at breakfast is a BRILLIANT idea. I'm serious.

    Your Miller 3/4 length white pants made me LOL. I would come over for a cup of tea and watch you trimming rosebushes, then we could eat shortbread together and laugh in the afternoon sun.

    XXXX Thank you for linking up.

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    1. A cheeky vodka is my kind of vodka! Love it, thanks Eden. Definitely not an alcoholic, I'll be off it before we know it!

      Love that you can appreciate the picture I painted; shortbread and laughs in the sun sound like my kind of retirement. I'll dust off the teacups.

      Thank you for leaving me a note, I love your notes. xo

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  4. Peggy, you are on a beautiful journey and I've enjoyed reading so much of it on your blog. I think we get closer to knowing who we are as we get older. And usually that involves more vodka for breakfast. :) Here's to more recklessness.

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    1. That's so true Deb, I definitely find myself knowing more of who I am as I get older. I think that is why I am so intrigued about growing old.

      Here's to more recklessness! xo

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  5. My mum has just retired, though much earlier than she had planned, and has not yet bought Millers 3/4 length pants... I will get on to this immediately!
    It's breakfast time here and I have a bottle of vodka on my bench from last night... tempting!!!

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    1. Oh retirement is NOT COMPLETE without Millers 3/4 length white pants. And topped off with hush puppies is my retirement dream.

      I hope you enjoyed your breakfast. You had leftovers??

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  6. Great post Peggy.
    I too will would love to wear 3/4 white Miller's pants if it meant I could be retired....is that a worry considering I'm 29?!
    I'm glad I've found your blog through Eden's link up. I'm off to read more.
    x

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    1. Not at all a worry at 29 Claire. I used to really enjoy working and never even considered not working full time, until a few years ago. Now all I want to do is stay home, and write. I think dreaming of retirement just means we want to enjoy life more, nothing wrong with that!

      Thanks for dropping in Claire, heading over to check out your blog too. xo

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  7. I love this post Peggy. I love hearing who you are. I think your all kinds of awesome. I think your my kind of people xx

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    1. Thank you Reannon, I think you are all kinds of awesome too. xo

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  8. I think you sound grounded too. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    I reckon there could well be a bit of reckless behind all the good things. Slightly reckless is totally doable. You sound totally ready (I'm not). The way you phrase it, I think going to something you don't want to go to is a good start: there will be people there and people do and are the most incredible things.

    You have a lovely voice.

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    1. Thank you Cameron, your kind words really tugged at my heart strings. Partly as I really want to believe you, and partly because I needed that confirmation and you, a total stranger, have read my blog and told me how you see it. Sometimes we need kind words from total strangers. So thank you.

      And thank you.

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  9. The wanting to be slightly reckless thing is very familiar to me. Just because we are grown up doesn't mean we want to always be sensible - run away with a circus!
    I love that you are aware of who you are and how you function.

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  10. All in all Peggy, you are awesome. Your writing is beautiful, honest and interesting; your recent leap and following your heart is more than inspiring and admirable. Please make time to come to Europe one day and we can meet up - maybe for some fancy high tea? :) xx

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