Who Am I?

Image by Theo Gosselin

Today Eden posed the question “Who are you?” as part of her Fresh Horses Brigade. I like horses. My dad promised me a horse as a kid. I didn’t get one. And I have absolutely no hang ups about that. That’s probably one quality I like about myself, I forgive easily. I’m too busy living to hold grudges. Why carry all that unnecessary baggage around in my head over something I cannot change? I probably would have lost interest in the horse anyway.

I ask myself this “who am I” question every day. Last week sitting curled up on the couch watching TV and eating greasy takeaway I wondered who the hell I was. I don’t curl up on the couch, I don't watch TV, I don’t eat greasy takeaway. But apparently I do. And then I remembered what my best friend told me recently, about me.

I don’t do things by halves. I am either all in or running off without so much as a ‘catch ya’. This, I understand, makes me appear complex to others who don't know me so well. I find it hard to keep an active social circle going as I am knee deep into my few close friendships that I find it hard to devote my heart and soul fully to others. So I don’t. I just don’t do things by halves. So while I am talking to you, I am talking to you. I won’t say yes to spending time with someone unless I really want to. I won’t attend a function to be seen, or to make my Facebook check-ins look awesome. I have to really want to go, or I don’t. I’m just not a half-assed kinda gal.

This gun-ho or go-home attitude is often my enemy. I loathe alcohol and what it does to people so don’t touch it for months. Next thing I am wondering if one small vodka at breakfast time is okay. I avoid eating meat for six months, now I can’t get enough of it. I can’t stand the thought of being away from home outside of work hours so hibernate for six months, next thing my feet are itchy and all I want to do is go out, go out, go out. I hate TV, then I watch TV. I feel like a walking contradiction at times, I want to do things in a balanced manner, I do. But I just don’t.

I work my ass off and hate it. I don’t want to work anymore. I want to retire and spend my afternoons in Miller Fashion Club white ¾ cut-offs and trim rose bushes in the afternoon sun with a full face of make up and primped hair. I want to feel mature, I don’t want to grow up. I’m an escape artist, I run at the first sign of trouble. I hate drama, I avoid it. If you bring drama into my life I will also avoid you. I am drawn to creative creatures and people who get things done. I myself am a doer, ties in nicely with the whole ‘not half-assed’ thing.

It has taken me many years to see myself as I am. Sometimes I am still unsure. Recently a stranger told me she thought I was very grounded after reading my blog. I smiled to myself, I really wanted to believe her.

I remember in my mid 30s I felt really quite disconnected from others my age, I felt as though I was slightly behind the eight ball in terms of maturity, wanting to be more responsible and sensible. Now at 41 I want to be less responsible and maybe even slightly reckless. I guess that’s where the vodka for breakfast idea jumps in.