Uncomplicated

Image by Gokturk Ayan

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. ~Dr Seuss

How much do we overthink things? I am a tragic over-thinker by nature. I, well actually my head, likes to dissect things and toss them around a bit and consider all possible scenarios and outcomes. In some situations this is great, I don’t get stuck on one idea and can inspire myself to see things in different ways. In other situations, not so much.

                

Sometimes when questions arise it is best to answer them off the cuff. Difficult decisions are often based on so many ‘what-ifs’ that we can tend to overload the decision down with unrealistic possibilities. I have started to respond to questions and my own choice options with whatever first comes to mind. I realise that not digging too deep but rather answering with what first comes up is in fact my authentic self responding. When we start to dig and delve for the ‘right’ response the what-ifs come to fruition guided by our false self, our safe side reminding us we need to be responsible. Of course we do, our false self will always remind us of that. But if we listen to our intuition, to our instincts, we tend to dig less for conscious reasoning.

Understandably decisions often have responsibilities attached, there are things we must consider, however a lot of smaller decisions can rely purely on what we feel is best. The authentic self will always tell you what you truly want to do, what your heart wants. When we allow our false self to step in, we fill ourselves with self-doubt and fear and we tend to make decisions based on what we feel we are expected to do. I don’t want to live my life based on what is expected of me, I would rather live my life how I want to live it. That won’t always please others or live up to the image they have carved out of and for me, but that’s okay. I can live with that.

I am all for keeping things simple, it is the mantra that I aspire to live by and I often need to remind myself that things do not need to be so complicated. I just need to stop complicating them. 

Contentment

Some mornings I make my way down to the river near my home and I just sit for five minutes and ponder. Clearing my head of the rush and the craziness of the morning before I set off for work, I love to take in the stillness of the water and just be in that very moment. It is my five minutes where I am not preparing my child for school, or myself for work, nor am I answering phone calls or checking mail or fighting the traffic or listening to music. It is my five minutes to just be.

This morning during my five minutes I noticed an elderly man walking his dog. He approached me on the footpath, stopped to call his dog, turned and smiled warmly at me, then went on his way. A few things went through my head as I was watching him – who is he and where did he come from? Where is he going? Is he happy, what stories could he share with me if we sat down for an hour? What are his regrets, his joys, his loves? I often watch elderly folks and I find myself curiously wondering what they could share about their lifetime.

Life brings with it is so many challenges, once we move past one challenge another fills its place. In between the challenges we have joys and accomplishments, we have moments that will create our favourite and most treasured memories. Our days are made up of millions of moments, some of the smallest ones will be the ones we will remember and cherish for the rest of our days. With all its complexities life brings with it so many miracles that we will one day look back on with joy in our hearts and a smile on our face. Today this gentleman had the most genuinely happy smile, he seemed content. After everything we go through will the moment walking the dog by the river on a cold winter morning where you smile at a stranger and mean it be the moment you look forward to all your life? A moment of contentment, a moment of solitude and peace.

Is he content? I have no idea, but I like to think so. I look at elderly people and often imagine they are content. I don’t imagine I would like to look back in 30 years from now and still be worrying about what someone thought of me way back when, or remember the anxiety I felt over a job or money or something someone said that offended me at the time. So this makes me wonder, why worry about those things now? Why would I waste time feeling anxious about something I cannot change or control? Why would I stay in a situation I am unhappy in? Every choice I make is mine, where I am right now is where I want to be, where I have found myself through choices I myself have made. The frustrating drivers who can’t merge on the freeway every morning won’t be significant in any way in 30 years from now, neither will the friend who treated me badly or the person who cut me off and took my car bay in the shopping centre carpark, so why now? Why do we allow such seemingly insignificant incidents and people affect us in moments when we could instead be enjoying the very things that actually mean something to us, the very things that warm our soul and make our hearts happy? This has been my thought process for some time now, and I love the result. I don’t sweat the small stuff, I am more focused on the good stuff and my days are much more enjoyable for it.

In 30 years from now when I am walking the dog by the river on a cold winter morning and I turn to smile at a young lass who is sitting and enjoying her five minutes, I hope she sees how content I am.

Calm over ego

Image by Anna Inghardt

I had an interesting conversation with my stylist Tanya yesterday. I enjoy our discussions. We often discuss books, what our families are up to, culture (she is a proud Greek who oozes culture), celebrities we think are hot (Ruby Rose comes up a lot, by me) and yesterday, self-development and behaviour. We were discussing how we handle confrontation and conflict, and I shared with her my newly adapted approach to handling aggressive people.

When someone approaches me with anger and clearly they are looking for a reaction, I have adopted this glazed over look. I just stare at them, making serious eye contact but neither smiling nor frowning. Just blank and expressionless. I imagine to the aggressor it’s not really obvious if I am even present or not. Lights are on but blondie has well and truly left the building. I wait until the rant is over, then I sit for about 10 seconds, to which I then respond, “What would you like me to do?” The reaction I have received to this approach so far has been surprise, stutters of “um, er, well…” and sheer confusion. You see in my opinion, as the owner of an aggressive side in the past, someone bursting into your space with rage and a mouthful of anger is simply looking for a punching bag, someone to cop their irate babble. And I am sorry to say that I am not that person. Actually, I am not even that sorry.

On my own little journey of self-development over the years I have learnt something very valuable. No-one can make me feel a certain way. How I react to someone’s words, opinions or actions is totally within my control. No person can make me feel anything. So when someone approaches me with aggression looking for someone to blame their anger on, I make it clear with nothing more than a blank expression on my face that they got it wrong. I am not the reason, be it direct or otherwise, for them feeling angry. They choose to be angry. And if it is over the way I acted, still their choice to be angry. I can apologise for my behaviour if I did wrong, but I will never, ever accept I made someone feel a certain way. You know I can’t make you feel angry, right? Right.

In my 20s I was very fiery natured. I had a hot temper and I could fly off the handle within seconds over the smallest of incident. Over the past few years however I have found myself mellowing, a lot. Recently a very laidback friend told me I am very ‘laidback’. I know I am, but it still surprises me coming from someone who is mellow themselves, as I always remember how feisty I used to be. My  mellowness even surprises me sometimes. 

Tanya asked me if I have always handled confrontation so calmly, and I told her I haven’t. I know from my own experiences that handling it in a calm manner feels best. When you allow yourself to be overcome by emotion as a result of someone else’s aggressiveness you gain nothing. Ego wants us to respond, ego wants us to argue, ego wants us to ‘win’. But you know what, I am more than happy to let the aggressor ‘win’ if it means not responding or engaging. I’ll take inner calm over victory for the ego any day.

Calm my beating heart

Image by me

Inner calm is a state I have been trying to achieve for some years. I was thinking last week, in the midst of a crazy, busy few months, how much calmer I actually am these days. Situations that would have bothered me in the past really don't cause me stress these days, no matter how chaotic my day may be. I haven’t always been this calm though.

For most of my adult life I have been a stress head. Having an overactive imagination and being a deep thinker is a recipe for disaster when it comes to maintaining a calm state of mind. I could work up a mere thought into an imaginary dilemma of disastrous proportions, only to realise days later it was all in my head. It’s both amazing and ridiculous how the mind can detour and take us places beyond reality.

Developing a calm state of mind has been years in the process for me. Therapy, meditation, deep breathing and most importantly, learning to avoid drama and building on inner strength. It is amazing what crap we can avoid when we remove ego and pride from our thought process by approaching difficult and emotion driven situations with a level of detachment. By detachment I don’t mean not caring for others or others’ situations, but not getting emotionally involved and not taking on others’ emotions is key when it comes to maintaining inner calm. By not allowing outside influences affect our emotions and reactions we are less inclined to worry about circumstances we don’t need to be concerned about. Obviously this is not as simple when it comes to our loved ones as it is natural to be affected by situations involving our family, however I've found by approaching problems of those I am not so close to with a level of 'sympathetic detachment', my days are much less drama-filled. And calmer.

I have discovered that with inner calm comes inner balance. By removing emotion from situations and approaching them with reason and sensible awareness, we have the ability to approach such situations with a clear head and a sense of peace and tranquility. I have no interest in knowing why others make choices or what drives them to act in a negative manner. I have found that by detaching from negative scenarios I don’t take on the negativity. Feels good. Feels liberating. I can walk away smiling with calm in my heart and soul. Sure beats the days of painting a picture in my head that would create unnecessary drama in my day. And in our somewhat troubled and sometimes chaotic world my soul loves the peace that I create for it.

In the clouds

Image by me

As a perceptive person I can tend to take on moods of others too easily. It bothers me, I hate it. I try my hardest to side step bad moods radiating from people around me however in the past I have found it hard to ignore them. I am not sure why others’ moods affect me so much, I have often wondered why I let them. I think it may have something to do with wanting everyone around me to be happy. And perhaps I am sensitive by nature.

It’s a fact that we create our own environment. Think negative and you’ll feel negative. It's disconcerting how much of an impact a person’s demeanour can have on those around them. Put one negative character in a group of people and watch their negativity spread to another. This is how gossip and negative banter ensues, one person starts and others jump in. It’s a vicious cycle and one I try very hard to steer away from. It’s not always easy though.

I try very hard to teach my son to see the bright side of all situations.  Sometimes letting him acknowledge something isn’t fun or happy is essential though, life won’t always sprout daisies and sunshine. The reality is there are situations that make us sad, or situations we cannot avoid or alter. Accepting that is part of life, and I think will only reduce the expectation that every minute has to be amazing. However when it comes to being positive I am a huge advocate of glass half full. If I can see light in a tough situation I will focus on that rather than the darkness. I try to instill this approach in my son.

Negativity is destructive. It sucks good energy and takes up space where creativity and joy should live. Negativity breeds negativity, it manifests in all other areas of our lives if we feed it and allow it to reside in our day. I believe it is a trait of a limited mind. While one is wasting time focusing on being negative they are missing out on all that is wondrous around them. Wouldn’t it be much more enjoyable to seek out the positive and focus on that? I think so. Quite simply a smile feels more joyous than a frown.

So how do we avoid negativity and not let it impact on us? I have worked hard on this for a few years now and I feel I am getting quite constructive at managing negativity around me. Essentially what I remember is this: I cannot control how those around me act, however how I react is totally in my control. Not reacting, rather responding, to negative people is the key for me. In the first instance I will always avoid. I am not one for sweeping issues aside and much prefer to resolve problems, but I am all for avoiding negativity. It’s destructive in my opinion and serves me absolutely no purpose. My creative soul loathes it. I run a mile. But if I cannot avoid it and it surrounds me, I don’t react. I smile, I offer constructive solutions (if the negativity is a result of an issue) and I simply avoid taking on the emotions attached and focus on the facts. It sounds easy in theory and has taken a lot of practice on my part, but I can gladly say I have become quite the master at avoiding negativity.

Back to head up in the clouds for me. The world looks amazing from up here.

Control vs Calm

Letting go of the need to control your environment or others is very liberating. Experiencing the need to control (or more accurately 'co-dependency') is very common and almost feels natural. Except it’s not. It becomes very tiring instructing someone how to drive safely when you are a passenger, or trying to give someone advice on doing something in a way you think will work better. Realistically, it is not up to me to coach others on how to work more efficiently or to use their time productively, or to advise others on how to look after their health, or to try and pass on what works for me onto others. That is not my business. Nor is it my business to think others are incapable of handling themselves. And now that the thought has sunk in it is extremely liberating.

The need to feel as though I have control over situations stems from my childhood and was further nourished as an adult when our family went through a very traumatic and difficult time. The feeling of fear that stems from lack of control is stressful, draining and is never satisfying. There is no end to it, no matter how much control you do actually gain or have over situations. Once you feel you have control over a situation you simply move onto another situation. Like I said, draining.

This compulsive behaviour in me reached its peak after experiencing great emotional pain and stress, sadness and a strong feeling of helplessness. It was only natural for me to crave a feeling of control over my surroundings. No control only brings about pain and suffering, right? Not necessarily. I thought though, that if I had control during those difficult times the things that took place would not have taken place. This of course was not realistic. Everything seems easier to control and navigate in hindsight. Whether I was in control or not I would not have had the ability to change circumstances brought about by accident or someone else’s actions. I get that now. But it took me a few years. In that time I over-compensated by trying to have control over all other areas around me.

Somehow the penny dropped for me this week. I sat in my monthly therapist appointment and my therapist said four words that I have not heard in awhile. She said ‘You are very calm.’ Calm. For a person who has spent the better part of the past 7 or 8 years wound up, manic, obsessively worrying and anxious, the word calm evokes some enormous gratitude and  comfort. I feel calm. I am calm. As a result I realise I don’t even need or want control over everything anymore. I am essentially handing back control to other individuals and not taking responsibility for their actions any longer.

Time to sit back and enjoy my moment, and let others enjoy theirs.

{Image source: Pinterest}